You've got TARDISmail
by madame-werewolf
Summary: Erm...AU, first of all. PostLOTTL, but with obvious differences! The Master has shacked up with The Doctor & Jack in the TARDIS. But doesn't like talking to them! That's where the email comes in. This is a random few exchanges. VERY RANDOM. Please review!


**A/N. I don't quite know how to explain/justify this random piece of... randomness. It was inspired by a conversation with a friend, a book I read and a decision in a moment of madness. Add to that the catalyst of a night of boredom and DW withdrawal, and this is what you get. It's INCREDIBLY random, so don't say you weren't warned. And also a little bit pointless. As you'll see, it doesn't really go anywhere, but it gave me a laugh to write. Thought I'd post it here in case it had the same effect on anyone else. Be warned that it's just the output of a slightly mad brain, also includes bad and suggestive language, and with that implied adult themes. Nothing remotely explicit though.**

**Let me know what you think if you manage to read it! **

* * *

**To: T. Doctor, (Last.ot.TL(at)TARDISmail.uni)  
From: T. Master, (Master.ot.Universe(at)Evilgenius.uni)  
Subject: Bored**

Knock knock…  
Where are you hiding, oh Doctor? I'm so immeasurably fed up of what your mediocre TARDIS has to offer. Can we go out somewhere? Please? I might even give up evil…?

_The Master was not really enjoying his captivity with his annoyingly non-evil fellow Time Lord. It didn't really help that The Doctor insisted on working on all these secret projects rather than actually going out and about. Not only did he not get any chance to have free reign over the ship, he also had very little opportunity to even pester him. The tricky bugger was hard to pin down, and sadly knew his ship a lot better than The Master did._

_And herein lay the beauty of e-mail. Having finally discovered the way onto the internet – apparently the universe-wide web was too much of a cauldron of evil for him to be granted free access – The Master created his very own, VERY personalised address, and with it a whole new mode of torment. It had already been used to such great effect on the other freak with whom he shared this vessel; why not explore The Doctor's reactions a wee bit too?_

_The Doctor was not best pleased to discover a message from his imprisoned foe. He knew it was only a matter of time before his irreversibly evil counterpart hacked into the Universal internet, but he had certainly hoped it wouldn't be so soon._

_Still, he couldn't help but be a little flattered that The Master went to such an effort to communicate with him. It went against much of what he believed in to spin out the "I'm far too busy and important to watch over you" line, but after all said and done it was far easier, and less painful, to avoid The Master rather than have The Master avoid him._

**To: T. Master  
From: T. Doctor  
Subject: RE. Bored**

Give up evil? _Give up evil_?! I knew I was working my magic on you, but so soon? Oh Master, if only I could believe you. We could have such fun.  
...  
And I'm not telling you where I am, top secret non-evil business

**To: T. Doctor  
From: T. Master  
Subject: Boring**

You've changed. Whatever has happened to the old oh-so-compassionate genteel Doctor? I think you're getting some kind of sadistic pleasure from keeping me here. Kinky bastard.

P.S. Change your e-mail address. I shall be the last, when I escape. and defeat you

_The Doctor was easily wound up these days it seemed. He didn't like being called on his sadistic pleasures, and he especially didn't like his supremacy and individuality in the Universe being challenged either. Anyway, one could never be too short with The Master…_

**To: T. Master  
From: T. Doctor  
Subject: I'm the last Time _Lord…_**

… For you are quite blatantly subservient now, and are subject to my every whim. You can be my mistress if you'd prefer? The Last of the Time Lord and His Time Lady. I like the ring of that. We could have our own spin-off, make a story of it. Think of all the crazy situations we could get ourselves into, we could have catchphrases and high-jinks and all sorts… Ahhh. Suit you?

_Ooh that bastard was playing hard ball now… The Master rapped his fingers on the large surface in front of him in a familiar 4-beat rhythm. He stared at the screen racking his brains for an inspired retort. As was often the obstacle in formulating his evilness, a timely distraction popped up. He rolled his eyes dramatically, regardless of the fact nobody was there to see._

**To: T. Master, T. Doctor  
From: Capt. J. Harkness, (AnythingGoes(at)Torchwood.uni)  
****Subject: Dinner!**

Dinner's ready boys! Come get it quick and you might catch me in the apron… come slower and you may catch me out of it ;)  
Kissing the Cook is not mandatory, but not discouraged

**To: T. Doctor  
From: T. Master  
Subject: Lucky S.O.B**

You're so fortunate your _actual_ Mistress has finished cooking. I was minutes... _seconds_ away from a clever retort!

See you at table. Oh, he won't really be playing the Naked Chef again will he? I'm quite hungry and don't want a repeat of last time. I'm sending you a psychic shudder for effect

* * *

**To: T. Doctor  
From: Capt. J. Harkness  
Subject: Did you have to?**

You know I hate being the sensible one Doc, but a food fight? Seriously? Two of the greatest figures in the history of time travel and you settle your differences by hurling my special recipe chicken across the room. I expect it from him, but you?

Permission to discipline him, Sir? And you…?

_Jack was pushing his luck if he thought he was getting double punishment-duty that night. Still, The Doctor was a generous soul at heart, and thought no harm could come of The Captain – as he was now affectionately known as on the TARDIS answerphone ("Hello, you've reached the TARDIS! We could be anywhere at present, but if you have a message for The Doctor, The Master or The Captain, please leave your details after the tone and we might get back to you, if you're lucky and/or attractive") – playing his games outside of The Doctor's own bedroom. To be fair, The Master had gone a bit far this time, some one-on-one time with Jack might serve as a decent deterrent. Or it might not, but that was a necessary risk…_

**To: Capt. J. Harkness  
From: T. Doctor  
Subject: RE: Did you have to?**

Jack, you know how it is. He brings out the animal in me. And the child in me. I can't help it, he knows exactly what to say, what to do…  
So sorry about your momentary death though. I didn't know he'd resort to throwing cutlery. Most noble of you to protect me though. I trust it didn't leave a mark?  
You have my approval for the discipline, but be quiet about it.

**To: T. Doctor  
From: Capt. J. Harkness  
Subject: RE: RE: Did you have to?**

Not to worry Doc, I'll be quiet as a mouse - you won't so much as hear me coming ;)

Can't guarantee the same for _his_ punishment though. He brings out the animal in me too. So glad you kept him, and me. But when's the next bit of skirt coming along?

**To: T. Master  
From: Capt. J. Harkness  
Subject: That was naughty…**

Very naughty, Mister Master.  
You think this will go unpunished? I'll be there when I've done the washing up.

… and you don't get to choose the punishment this time. I have the right, seeing as you killed me – again!

**To: T. Doctor  
From: T. Master  
Subject: He's coming for me**

Look, pal, can't you keep your horny sidekick away from me?

If you can convince him, I'll try not to kill anyone for… ooh, a week?

_The Doctor couldn't contain his grin. He did love it when his boys got along so well. Time for one more snide reply and he could get back to that top-secret non-evil business that he had to pretend was so pressing…_

**To: T. Master  
From: T. Doctor  
Subject: You love it**

That is all.

**To: T. Doctor  
From: T. Master  
Subject: RE: You love it**

Bastard.

Are you quite sure I'm the evil one?

* * *

**To: T. Master  
From: Capt. J. Harkness  
Subject: Penitent yet?**

How's it feeling this morning?  
I've cooked you and the Doc a fry-up from an old Plynsiatikan recipe this morning. You know I can't stay mad at you boys too long. Be there by 9 or he'll eat it all.

P.S. Don't renounce the evil just yet :)

_Jack was in high spirits that morning, even though he hadn't got around to punishing The Doctor the night before. The Master was proving quite entertainment enough for the time being. He skipped off back to the kitchen to finish off his food of love for his favourite odd couple._

**To: T. Doctor  
From: T. Master  
Subject: Jack**

Seriously. I'm now deathly bored of him. Although he does cook a good dinner… (Almost time for breakfast by the way – he says 9.15 at the earliest)

Anyway, can I play at killing him today? I have so many ideas and I'm sure he doesn't mind…??

* * *

**To: T. Master  
CC: Capt J. Harkness  
From: T. Doctor  
Subject: You gits**

Firstly – 9.15? Damn you vile, greedy Time Lord you.

Secondly – Jack, why on earth did you not think to email me the time for breakfast too? Or come to see me face-to-face, as I know _unlike someone I might mention_ you can stand the sight of me still. I'm very hurt Mr Harkness.

As a punishment to both of you I am going out for breakfast, and you two are staying here.

And you can play the killing game for all I care.

Lots of love,  
The very petulant Doctor

**To: T. Doctor  
CC: Capt J. Harkness  
From: T. Master  
Subject: RE: You gits**

Doctor – Hahahahahahahahahahahahahhahaahahahahahahaha! – That was an EVIL laugh, by the way

Jack – Bang bang, let's play dead!

Thanks for the invite to breakfast too oh beleaguered Time Lord, but I'm still quite full …


End file.
